In which I am a Badass

Ahh what a lovely morning to have people planning you murder, isn't it?

I appear to have made some enemies last night. Here is the run down of exactly how: 

8pm- Pre-Party in my Room!! I return home from a meeting. Ratchel and a friend are jamming to the worst music at ridiculously obnoxious amplitudes. Drink of choice: whipped cream vodka with lemonade capri sun chaser.

"I know I sound like a bitch, but I'm never getting a job. That's what my mom's for."

9:07pm- "I can't believe we finished that whole bottle of jager"

9:30pm- Ratchel decides to reminisce her time at "spring awakening" (some horrible music music festival). This process is complete with videos, pictures, horrible stories of people on drugs and her proceeding to flip out over how she wishes she could go back, and how she stole some guys face mask.

"Spencer had ecstasy, and that's like 24 years cause its a federal arrest, or whatever"

"People hold up animals on a stick so you know they are selling drugs" 

10pm- Normal Party Departure Time. Ratchel is still dressed in only XXXXL sweats and some rag that is supposed to pass as a shirt in some cultures i suppose. She is in the process of fighting with both her mother and her brother simultaneously. She is fighting with her mother because her mother is mad at her for finishing an entire bottle of jager already and that she is going to fail out of college.

"I've had 7 history classes and I've been to 2"

She is fighting with her brother because he is writing a paper and won't go out to buy her more alcohol.

"He says he has like a 2000 word paper due by midnight  but no he doesn't. ok he probably does, but like he doesn't have to do it. I never go to class and I'm fine"

11pm- They finally leave. Hallelujah.

3am- she comes home. with some dude. Turns on "it's always sunny in Philadelphia" and takes this guy to bed. after a few minutes of make out noises I have had enough. here is the convo:

Me: That's it. I don't have to put up with this shit. GTFO.

R: We are sleeping.

Me: yeah that's why the TV is blaring at 3am and I have to listen to all this 

R: I always sleep with the TV on

Me: Believe me I know, you don't own headphones.

R: Fine I'll turn the TV off

Me: this isn't about the damn TV. I don't have to put up with this. If you wanna "sleep" there is a couch in the common room. knock yourselves out. Just don't do it in here.

R: We can do whatever we want

Me: *turns on lights*

Dude: maybe i should just leave

Me: maybe you should

Exit Dude and Ratchel

END SCENE

so as you can see I am a total badass kicking ass and kicking drunk, thirsty roommates and their random hookups out of bedrooms. Gosh turning on the light was such a bril move. The logic behind it, not only woulf it ruin the "moment" and show I meant business, but really I just thought, who would want to make out with that ratchet ass face with the light on??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

Vomitrocious

I don't think this really needs a caption. The view really speaks for itself. 

The story here is, I came back to the room on a Friday morning around 10 after already having 2 classes. The night before SWAGGGGGGG had gone out to parrrrtyyyyy the night away around 10pm and ratchel decided she would join. However she had to get ready. So while SWAGGGGGGG left, ratchel proceeded to take an hour and a half to get ready. This sets her departure time at after 11:30 at night. I get not wanting to be the 1st at the party but by 11:30 most people are on frat #2 or 3 usually. Anyway she left to find her soulmate/ twerk buddy/ lesbian BFF at the party and I got peace and quiet. 

I was pleased to wake up the next day to her empty bed. All I remembered for the night before is someone switching the overhead lights on and off around 3am, so I didn't really know what was up. 

After arriving gone from my classes in the morning I put the prices together. Ratchel had obviously passed out on the couch the night before after puking her jungle juice brains out all over the floor and then after I left, removed her pants and rolled into bed. Hope she washed those sheets. 

To top the whole thing off, upon discovering the vomit I went to my room to pack my things (as I was leaving for the weekend). Moments later I hear the dinging of the microwave. My lively roomy SWAGGGGGGG had decided now would be a great time to heat up some left over right next to the pool of pink vomit. I like the way she thinks. 

That was a joke. 

The Aauunts in Frauunce

As if nasal voices weren't annoying enough when you have a cold, imagine that being your voice all the time. I would want myself dead. But i guess people learn to live with it. Ratchel certainly seems to. Her voice is like a 5 year old with a lisp crossed with a some one from a winter cold commercial crossed with a sloppy slurring drunkard. Oh and add a ghetto Chicago accent in that mix. basically her voice is metaphorical nails on a chalk board. here are some examples of common words I have to hear her butcher on a daily basis:

• Red = Raaad
• Mad = Maaadgg
• I = aaayyy
• Wait = wet
• Bitch = baaatch (like a valley girl but worse) 
• Mom = Maaaaaamme
• Spencer = sponcer 
• Text = taxxt
• November = Novumber 

this doesn't even do it justice. suffice to say you will always know who that voice is coming from.

TV Land

I swear this chick goes through TV shows like underwear. Its a different series every day (ok sometimes she gets lazy and it's every other day). But for reals. I have had second hand exposure to so many of the strangest variety of shows on netflix over the past few weeks. She must have a lot of spare time on her hands, cause I could never blow through a series in 2 days like she does. for entertainment, here is a list of all the tv shows I can remember having to blast my headphones over. ---cause she doesn't own headphones remember.

• Orange is the new Black- this one actually took a few days for her to finish. and i was just praying for when she would finish it. I don't understand why that show is a thing right now. Hence the name of this blog. I mean really, the first thing you watch in front of your new roommate is a lesbian prison drama?? 
• That 70s show- fine whatever, just not at 4 in the morning. and seriously, you have never seen that 70s show before??
• Blue Mountain State- could there be a more sophomoric, repugnant, vile show? its like a bad "American Pie" spin off that nevvvver endddds. glad she finished that one. 
• The Office- this was a relief. I love the office. too bad it was only one night. and it was at 3am on a Wednesday.  
• How I Met Your Mother- never had any desire to watch this show. And now I know I really wasn't missing anything. 
• Grey's Anatomy- this is what she is currently watching. And it is by far the most intelligent show she has chosen yet. baby steps i guess. 

I think that is it, ill add more if I think of any. Or tomorrow after she finishes all of greys anatomy. (she is on episode 6. lets track how long it takes her.) 

No Shame

LOL to the fact she still wears her PHA recruitment t shirt even though she dropped. That is honestly so embarrassing. I would have burned those shirts if I didn't end up Greek. It's not just embarrassing for her but for people who see her wearing the shirt and ask "oh what house are you in?" and she would have to say "oh i'm not actually in a house-- I dropped cause I'm too ratchet to be Greek and went out to get a lip piercing* instead."  See how awkward that is for all parties involved? Well actually not so much for her, cause she seems to have absolutely ZERO social awareness.

*Lip Piercing Story: So you caught that, huh? yes, it's true. On day 4 of recruitment Ratchel got her schedule of socials for the day, obviously something was wrong with all of those houses who were kind enough to ask her ratchet ass back, so she came back to our room but on her most revealing black and camo outfit (most of her outfits are some variation of black and camo) and went out with the "ratchet crew" (Her words, not mine). She staggered back in hours later while my friend and I were in the middle of a P&P marathon. Out of the corner of my eye I notice something is off with her face. It is not until the next day when she is laying in bed with a bag of ice on her muzzle that I realize she has a new bar of cheap metal sticking out of her face. it is by far the ugliest placed piercing I've ever seen. To top it all off, she ate popcorn when she was drunk one night and fell asleep with kernels in the piercing so now it is supppper ugly and red and inflamed and infected. price of being ratchet I guess. sucks to suck.

Who doesn't own headphones?

Seriously, who the hell doesn't own a pair of headphones??? I can't quite wrap my head around this fact. I've heard of losing headphones, or breaking headphones.. But never in all my life have I heard a person straight up doesn't own headphones.

until i moved here.

That'r right. Ratchel doesn't own a single pair of headphones. I'm pretty sure this is physically impossible because she does indeed own an iphone, which comes with a pair of headphones. But she is so ratchet she probably bought that iphone off some street corner from some hobo who stole it from some poor sap on the subway or something. That's really the only explanation I can think of for why she doesn't have a pair.

I mean really. WHO DOESN'T OWN HEADPHONES!!!!!!  


i just can't even believe this.

Good Morning A'merrrcahh

So now that you have had the pleasure to get to know a little bit about my new BFFFFFs  I thought I would share their morning beauty routines. Let it be noted, we all share a four person, double suite with a living room. Meaning it is two double bedrooms with a living space in between. On the right side is a toilet and sink bathroom and on the left side is a shower and sink bathroom.

Me: I am a morning person, I like to get up about 2 hours before I need to be somewhere to shower, blow dry, make up etc. Its a pretty easy routine. And I do most of it at my desk in my room as to stay out of peoples way.

Ratchel: This very special lady takes about 2.5 hours to get ready in the morning. And she is not a morning person. What could possibly take that long to do in the morning you ask?? Well I suppose it takes a long time to shower and blow dry your hair. And then wait for your straightener to warm up and use that. And then have to wait for your curling iron to heat up so you can use that too.
Lets review, she 1) blow drys her hair, 2) Straightens her hair and 3) Curls her hair.
Important Question: is this normal? As a person with stick straight hair who has never touched a straightener in my life, I don't quite know the protocol of these things.  But, to me it would appear very redundant to straighten and then curl your hair. Not to mention terrible for your hairs health.

So once she is done frying her hair to crispy little wisps, she proceeds to apply a heavy coat of make up. I think my favorite part of this process is the obscenely loud rap and party music blaring from her speakers. take note it is still only about 7 in the morning. But she seems to party all day. I mean who doesn't want to sing "SHOTS SHOT SHOTS" at 7 am after just crawling out of bed?

I don't really know what happens after this point. I usually flee the room for safety reasons.

SWAGG: Swag  is soooo not a morning person. So usually if I see her, I stay the hell out of her way. She seems to believe she owns the shower side bathroom bc her room is on that side. I learned this the hard way. Since Ratchel often times has all the outlets otherwise engaged on "our" side of the bathroom, I decided it would be ok to blow dry on the other side. LOL. I tried not to disturb all of Mo and swags make up, hair extensions, used tissues and various other bits of shit on the counter as I plugged in my hair dryer. I was not 3 min in when swag shows up and gives me the most evilest of evil eyes. Like looks at me like she owns the place and I am a trespasser. Like hello bitch its called a suite, we have to share. Bottom line is I didn't think being on the hulks bad side was worth it so I do all my hair drying in my room now.

Mo: Mo is not seen or heard or seen in the mornings. She seems to get up late, get dressed in her room and keep to herself. She is a night shower girl so she stays out of my way, I stay out of hers and we get along just fine.

So thats basically how my mornings go. But they are nothing compared to my evening... stay tuned, it gets so much better!!